Psychology Sucks
by Black Magic Rose
Summary: When Thayet catches Jon flirting with another woman, she and Alanna hatch an evil plan to get back at him with fake couples' therapy designed to embarass him. But when Jon decides that everybody needs a psychology checkup, who'll get the last laugh?
1. Prologue: Mutinous Planning

Disclaimer: So, here I am, sitting home alone today with absolutely nothing to do. And what do I find myself doing? Writing fanfiction, of course! This is my first post under my new pen name, so I hope you all enjoy!

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Psychology Sucks: By: _Black Magic Rose_

Prologue: Mutinous (And Slightly Comical) Planning

Queen Thayet of Tortall burst into the quarters of Alanna the Lioness, King Jonathan's Champion. She was in quite a state, her cheeks were flushed from running and her ebony hair had escaped it's bun, giving her a flustered and flyaway look. Her crown was askew and her eyes bright. Alanna, who had been dozing at her desk, immediately snapped to attention when she heard the door slam behind the queen.

"George, put that away!" shegiggled as she jolted awake, violet eyes fluttery. Once she realized that she was no longer in dreamland, she turned her head to the queen, blushing slightly.

"Sorry about that…Hey, what's wrong?" Alanna asked, standing and laying a hand on the queen's shoulder. Lucky for the champion, Thayet had not noticed Alanna's shout upon waking. She was too busy muttering curses.

"Dirty, low-down chauvinist pig! I'll skin him alive! I'll shove his precious crown with down his ungrateful throat! I'll bite off his-"

"Calm down!" Alanna said, cutting Thayet off and steering her over to the bed. Thayet sat and took a deep breath before speaking again.

"It's Jon! I just caught him flirting with one of the new maidens at Court…" she trailed off and resumed her previous string of curses. "Poison his steak, read his diary to all of Corus…"

Alanna cut her off once more with a grimace. "Wait, wait, slow down. Are you telling me he was almost _cheating _on you?"

"Practically!" Thayet said. Anger ignited in Alanna's eyes.

"I'll decapitate him and feed his head to the Stormwings!"

"And I'll feast on his internal organs!"

"We'll dance around a bonfire naked like wild animals, drenched in his blood!" Alanna proclaimed excitedly.

"Um…maybe not _that_ far, Alanna." Thayet said cautiously.

"Yeah, that _is_ a bit much…"

"But we can't just let him get away with this! We have to do something."

"Something that _won't_ land us at Traitors' Hill." added Thayet. "But what?"

Both women appeared thoughtful for a moment before Thayet suddenly shouted, "I know! Therapy!"

"Therapy!" Alanna said questioningly. "My dear Thayet, I think you've gone insane."

"No, think about it! Think of how embarrassing it will be for him! Knowing how the servants gossip, all of Corus will know by the next day. We'll just have to make a point of assigning a particularly popular servant bring drinks. We can pretend it's couples' therapy!"

"But no psychologist will play along. It goes against their honor code."

"Which is why you'll be our psychologist!"

Alanna's jaw dropped. _"What!_ You really have gone insane! Jon knows me too well!"

"Well, you kept people from knowing you were a woman all those years. Why would this be any different?"

"What about my eyes? He'll know me by them for sure. And my hair. And the fact that I hardly ever wear dresses or anything. In order to pose as a man I'd have to cut my hair, and then it would be dreadfully obvious."

"We'll straighten your hair and pull it back with a ribbon. And the University students are all wearing colored contacts now, so it'll be no problem hiding your eyes. You'll actually dress like a woman instead of a flabby-chested man and then he'll never know! Come on, Alanna! This is perfect revenge!"

Alanna looked down at herself. "Do I really look like a flabby-chested man?"

"When I don't look at your face, yes." Thayet said impatiently. Alanna appeared hurt. "I mean, no. You look perfect all the time."

Alanna brightened considerably at that. "Well, I guess it would work if we did things right. You think he'll go for it?"

Thayet smirked evilly. "He won't have a choice." she said, fingering her pregnancy charm. "If he refuses, he'll be sleeping alone in the sitting room for a long, long time."

Alanna grimaced. "Thayet, you are an evil, evil woman. And I like it."

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Most of the time my chapters are longer, but this is just a prologue. If I get good reviews, the next chapter will be up in the next week. See you then! 


	2. Chapter 1: A Change in Plans

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tamora Pierce's work, including all characters, places, and past events from her works. However, the plot and storyline of this individual story belongs to **me.** Please, no stealing.

Authoress Note: I am **SO** sorry, everyone! To be completely honest, I was so busy cowriting fics with my friend, that I entirely forgot that I had something posted under this username! I swear I won't let it happen again, and without further ado, Chapter One!

**Psychology Sucks: By: _Black Magic Rose_**

**Chapter One: A Change in Plans**

After further planning, Thayet and Alanna decided it would be best to give Jon some notice, so that he had time to stew and sweat over the prospect of being addressed about his lecherous ways. Well, that was Plan A, at least. Not a half hour after Thayet left Alanna's quarters, she came across her dear husband, this time not flirting, but _kissing._

In a moment, the queen had flown back down hallways and up stairs until she was banging once more on the Lioness's door; not waiting for an answer before entering. Alanna jumped as the door slammed behind her queen and rose, looking confused.

"What happened?" the redhead questioned.

"That adulterous bastard!"

"Calm down!"

"That festering bubble of sex-driven pus!"

"Thayet!"

"I'll murder him! I'll melt him and his precious crown in a vat of oil! I'll-"

At this, Alanna felt she had no choice but to slap her sovereign across the face. Alanna winced, it had been a little harder than she had intended. But when Thayet brought her had back up and straightened her posture once more, she looked calm, cool, and collected, a huge difference from her expression seconds before. Aside from the red handprint on her face, at least.

"Feel better now?" Alanna asked, putting her hand back at her sides.

"Much, beside the throbbing. Thanks," the queen took a deep breath. "We're not waiting as long as we thought we would to execute Operation Therapy."

Alanna appeared stricken. "Why not? What did he do?"

"I caught him, not flirting, but _kissing_ that Court girl. The nerve! So we have to get back at him sooner, or I'll kill him. I swear."

"Come now, Thayet! If we act sooner than anticipated, he won't have any time to stew over it! That gets rid of half of the mental torture!"

"No, it doesn't, you'll just have to be extra ruthless during the 'therapy session'. Besides, if you think about it, if he gets to worked up over it, he'll investigate further and want a name of the psychiatrist, then he'll go looking. Soon enough, he'll find that you don't exist and everything will be ruined. We're better off with an element of surprise, and he's better off not killed at my hands."

Alanna appeared thoughtful for a moment. "Well, I suppose you're right. How much sooner are you thinking?"

"Tomorrow."

"I can't be ready by then!"

"Too bad. I want you in my set of rooms at five-thirty tomorrow morning. Our session will be at eight. Got it?" The queens tone was official, the same one she used when assisting her husband in the throne room in writing new laws, decrees, and solving problems of the common folk.

Alanna nodded. "I suppose."

Thayet was grinning evilly at the thought of their plot taking action. "This is perfect. I'll arrange for the contacts and other stuff to be sent to my rooms tonight…Jon will never have to know. I'll go and find him now, and tear him off of whatever Court lady he's womanizing now, and break the news. Want to come?"

"No. might be too suspicious."

"All right. I'll go alone, then. Have a nice day." Her tone had gone from official to evil to casual in only a matter of seconds; it seemed she was already preparing the casual front she was planning to use with Jon.

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About another half hour later, Thayet finally found Jon. He was alone, and there were no Court ladies in sight, but Thayet was still suspicious; they could be hiding anywhere in the high-ceilinged atrium where she had found her husband.

He smiled as she approached. "Hello, Thayet. I've been looking for you."

"_I've_ been looking for _you._" she said, stopping about two feet away from him. "We need to talk, Jon."

The king looked puzzled. "What about?"

"Have you noticed anything about our relationship lately? Anything you haven't liked or wanted to improve?"

"Erm…nooo…" he said unconvincingly. Thayet let it slide, he'd be getting it the next morning.

"Well, I have. Jon, honey, we're supposed to be the most prominent couple in Tortall, but we're not completely as good as we can be together. So, I've arranged for us to meet with a famous therapist from the Yamani Isles. She isn't well known here, but she's quite good, and she agreed to meet with us tomorrow at eight in the morning, despite the short notice. It would mean a lot for you to come."

"Do I have to?" he asked, looking nervous. Thayet gave him a look that clearly said, 'are you kidding?'

"Yes, you have to come! This is _couples'_ therapy, Jon, not individual therapy!"

"But…I have a…I have a thing."

"What thing? I'm sure you can reschedule that. This is important."

"I…erm…can't. It's very important."

"I see. More important than me?"

"No, but…very important."

"More important than sex?"

Jon was dumbstruck. "_What!"_

"If you don't come, you're sleeping alone until we can get another appointment with her. And let me remind you, this is her first time in Tortall; she is a _very_ busy woman."

"Well, if you put it that way, I suppose that I could manage to make it…eight-thirty?"

"Eight."

"Eight-fifteen?"

"Eight."

"Fine," the king finally said, sighing. "Where?"

"The west sitting room in my set of chambers. I'll be sleeping there tonight."

"All right, pumkinbun."

"_Pumkinbun?_ What was that about?"

"Nothing, just a new nickname. It fits, doesn't it?"

"…No. Not really."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Eight tomorrow. Remember."

"I will."

Thayet looked evil once more, her eyes narrowed menacingly. "You'd better." With that, she turned on her heel and left the room, heels clicking on the tile floor.

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_**Seven forty-five the next morning, Thayet's dressing room.**_

After much work and effort, Thayet smiled and stepped back from the chair Alanna was sitting in. "It lives!" she proclaimed happily.

"Does that mean I can look now?" Alanna asked. Thayet nodded enthusiastically. The Lioness stood and turned around, gasping at her own reflection in the full-length mirror.

Thayet had gone out to the University and retrieved a maroon blazer worn by all of the students, and had then sewn on the crest of the Yamani Isles. On the lapel was a button indicating a major in psychology. Alanna wore this with a long, straight white skirt that had recently become popular among the University girls. Her hair was straight and pulled back into a messy and twisted bun, with intentionally stray hairs that made her look like she had been up all night studying. Thayet had used makeup to alter her complexion, masking her freckles with pink coloring at her cheekbones and painting her lips a deeper shade of peach. Alanna's eyes were green, masked by a potion that was dropped into the eyes to create a contact of sorts that could be removed.

"I look…ridiculous." was all Alanna managed.

"You look like what we need you to look like, so shut up." Thayet chastised sharply. "Now, come on. We have to go and wait for Jon."

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I'd write more, but I really need to be going and I want to get something posted. Not too many laughs, but the next chapter is couples' therapy, remember! Three will probably be up next weekend, I hope I didn't lose you all!

**_Next time:_** _Jon is apprehensive about the entire therapy affair, but eventually gets a little _too _into it for Thayet and Alanna's comfort, suggesting trust games and asking questions of his own, and eventually asking his 'therapist' if she would mind diagnosing his and Thayet's marriage problems! What's more, he's also asking for a 12-step program to get off of his uncanny addiction to 'the chase…'_


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